Looking after ourselves
14-10-2021 12:49 PM
Need to vent today
I'm having one of those days living with PTSD. I am feeling scared. There are a whole lot of factors. I have a 12 year old daughter who used to only be able to see her mother 2 hours every Saturday morning under supervision, This gradually became two days a week and from July this year, it was changed to Monday afternoons to Thursday morning. At first it was OK, but now I have this feeling that my daughter would prefer living with her mother. When my daughter is home, she is on the computer and it is very hard to have a conversation with her, she plays games with her friends online which is great, but other times she is just online by herself. I have tried to get her to do things together, like watch a DVD , to help cook or something, but she doesn't want to. Before Lockdown it was OK, I could take her shopping for what she wanted, or we could go out for the day, or a weekend trip to places like Philiip Island, but now we can't go anywhere. Two weeks ago I had her booked in for a Covid vaccination, but despite knowing this her mother took her to the doctor's to have a hepatitis booster and I had to cancel the appointment. Her mother always gets into this one upmanship thing and I always feel one step behind her. The marriage was very hard almost from the beginning and my wife always got what she wanted. It ended really violently. She has never admitted to what she was doing to me, even when it went to the Magistrates Court, she dragged it out as long as she could. They found her guilty, but then she got this most lenient Community work order and I just feel cheated out of justice. Because if I had done what she did I would be in prison. Worse thing was my daughter witnessed the violence and infact the Police Report mentions this but in kids talk as part of the family dispute resolution talks she said that she didn't know what happened. it gets to me because with domestic violence, it is never the female that is seen as the perpatrator and I am worried that she is going to come to think that I was the one that was violent. I don't know how to tell her I get scared, I am trying to be a good dad, but I don't know what to say to her. Now it is like, I feel better when she is away.
I had counselling and it was great, but it came to the point where I know what I need to do to deal with my emotions,and I can get through them. I know that this is just self talk in my head and really doesn't mean anything, but it can get hard.
Added to this, I have this neighbour that uses my rubbish bins. Anything goes in, she doesn't worry about recycling or anything like that. I have tried to tell her to stop, but she puts in stuff anyway. Again it just makes me feel isolated and powerless.
Anyway enough of a rant. Thank you for reading this,.
14-10-2021 01:06 PM
Re: Need to vent today
Hi there @CogsWhirl
I just want to say, I am not a parent. And I am so blown away by parents who are parenting during the Pandemic. I promise you that you are probably doing a better job than you think.
I also recognise that there is added complexity in your situation. it must be very difficult coparenting with someone who has treated you so awfully. I wouldn't blame you for feeling any resentment, jealousy or grief or honestly any other feeling when you think about your ex wife and daughter's relationship. It is totally understandable that this would be a sore spot.
i also understand your feelings about being cheated out of justice. I never pursued the legal system for my abusers partially because I was so scared of this as an outcome. It is certainly not easy when something we know to be so real and true and it's impact so raw - is not recognised or understood in this way by others. I really feel your hurt and disappointment here.
And I know if I was you something like your situation with my neighbours would definitley feel like the straw that broke the camel's back. Sometimes we can withstand a great deal of pain and it's just the little things that can break us.
Sometimes the best thing we can do for others is to look after ourselves so I applaud you for reaching out to the Forums community for support.
14-10-2021 02:00 PM
Re: Need to vent today
Hi @CogsWhirl ,
Your fear, and feelings of powerlessness and isolation, are completely understandable. It must be so difficult trying to reach out for connection and understanding, whether that's through your daughter, through the justice system or your neigbour, and feeling disregarded and unheard. It sounds overwhelming and so disappointing.
How are you managing those feelings today?