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Yes collapse in a heap @Faith-and-Hope . Spring has sprung in Sydney it has been so warm, lots of people out walking, but August and July have been very dry. I think that Glady's is going to throw everyone that works in a hopsital under the bus with the Covid reopening.....I feel so sorry for them. If your health allows it I hope you've been able to get a vaccine......Your course sounds so interesting. Great to switch brain gears, Corny 
Hi @Corny
It was my pleasure - it’s so lovely to hear from you
Thank you so much for sharing this part of your story with me 
It’s completely understandable that you would be feeling ‘a bit down’ after your mum’s funeral and I can really appreciate the impact that this may have on your ability to be able to gather your thoughts and share these with others.
As such, I just ever so gently wanted to reassure you that there’s absolutely no pressure or expectations in relation to how much you’re able to share - please just share whatever feels manageable and comfortable for you
Absolutely Although the relationship that you shared with your mum was incredibly complicated and from what you described extremely tumultuous, it doesn’t dimmish your loss or the fact that she was still your mum
I’m so pleased that you’re doing your best to be gentle with your grief. As such, I just ever so gently wanted to reassure you that we all grieve differently and that there are absolutely no ‘rules’ or ‘correct’ time frames in relation to when someone ‘should have’ grieved the loss that they have experienced.
I’m so sorry to hear that your father died when you were twenty-nine years of age and as I read this part of your story, I could really appreciate the circumstances that contributed to a protracted grieving process. I can also really appreciate why you feel that your grieving process in relation to the death of your mum may be somewhat different
As I continued to read this part of your story, I felt incredibly moved when you shared ‘but now my last remining parent has died and I am no longer someone’s daughter and mum’s carer’ and as I listened to your words, I could hear what sounded like a profound sense of loneliness intertwined with another layer of loss.
In my experience, loses rarely exist alone and as such, we often experience additional loses that are just as profound and distressing, but for the most part they aren’t recognised or acknowledged by those around us.
Thank you so much for sharing some of your concerns in relation to what’s happening for your family Watching those we love in such a state of turmoil and distress can be heartbreaking. It can also be incredibly scary and concerning when our loved ones display a level of distress that’s out of character for them
I’m so deeply sorry to hear that your youngest sibling has a friend who’s dying from cancer As I read this part of your story, I could really appreciate your concerns in relation to the impact that another loss may have upon their mental health. As such, I just ever so gently wondered if (apart from you) they have other people in their lives who they could reach out to for some additional support?
Sometimes, when we experience loss, the world around us can feel incredibly unsafe and unpredictable. As such, the opportunity to re-establish a routine often has the potential to gently restore a sense of safety, as it reintroduces an element of stability, consistency and predictability into our lives. As such, I think that reconnecting with the NDIS was a wonderful idea and I’m so pleased that you made the decision to reach out to them
I just ever so gently wanted to encourage you to continue to be patient and compassionate with yourself as you continue to process your loss
Please know that I’m still thinking about you and sending you some very gentle and caring hugs at such a difficult time
Take care of yourself,
ShiningStar
I am sorry I over-looked your thoughtful and caring post @ShiningStar, everything has been a bit muddled and blurred being in grief, you are so kind .
Some days it feels real, and then other days it doesn't, but the days that it does feel real are becoming more numerous. And its only natural that once your last remaining parent dies, that your own death feels that much closer. I am a self-effacing kind of person & not religious, so I am staring down my own mortality right now, and figuring out how I want to live the rest of my life. I've become less patient with age, for petty, shallow, superficial people and pursuits. It just blows my mind how variable human experience is, reading about others lives you feel like you've landed on Mars some days; I simply can't relate to cosmetic people, I have no energy or time for them.
Yes, complicated grief is difficult, but I loved my Mum, that's why it shattered me to pieces when the truth came out of my CSA, because I loved her so deeply, and had spent my life defending & protecting her from infancy. Everyone that's contacted us, and her carers keeps saying how intelligent she was and vivacious before schizophrenia stole all of that from her. It's not unusual that this disease strikes some of the smartest people you'll ever know 
.
It's only natural that we are all worried about each other, my siblings and aunts/uncles etc and we felt really sorry for Mum's carer that was there at the time when Mum died. We were grateful Mum wasn't alone, but also felt really bad for her support worker. One of Mum's carers had been with her for 11 years and you become attached after that amount of time. But we will stay in touch with them and take them out to lunch etc when we can.
Yes I am worried about my sister when her friend dies, which may be before Christmas. My sibs and I have known that family for 25-30years we went to high school with all of them, and I was their children's nanny for a while, just before they were diagnosed as terminal. It just takes the wind out of you and there are simply no words for the loss. All I can do is support my sister and care for her. She loves me to cook for her so I will do lots of that and just hang out, my sibs and I are as thick as thieves , they are 2 of my best buds.
I have recommenced all of my support thanks @ShiningStar and it has helped to be in a routine. One of my EP's Dad died about a week before my Mum, so if I burst into tears or she bursts into tears its no issue, which takes a lot of pressure off having to suck it in while out in public.
I will be quite stressed in the next months sorting out Mum's estate. I do have a stress disorder so these things do impact my body more than healthy people. But I hope I have enough stamina to get through it OK. My best friends are separated by Covid hard lockdown due to an active case at their work. One of them isn't allowed to go home as her partner isolates for 14 days & has no where to go so NSW Health said she can stay with me. The NSW government has also brought in laws where they have the power to lockdown an entire apartment block for 14 days with just one positive Covid case. Not easy for people with no family in Sydney and no where to go, but I will look after her and it will be really nice having her here. We have only seen each other twice in 18 months because of Covid although they only live about 15kms away.
Thank you again for your kind and caring post @ShiningStar . I hope that you are safe and well during this time. It is exciting that we are reopening on the 11th but I will take it cautiously. All the best, Corny
I hope that you are travelling OK @Faith-and-Hope , I am sure you are under tremendous stress and strain. I am so relieved you are rid of your ex and that the remaining years of your life won't be wasted on someone that doesn't deserve you, or the time that you have left. The rest can all be on your terms, with people that respect life, and have a reverence for life. He only has reverence for himself, and doesn't have the capacity to change. Good luck with it all Corny
Hi @Corny
It’s so lovely to hear from you
I’m so sorry that it’s taken me so long to reach back to you and I just ever so gently wanted to reassure you that I love talking with you and that my delay in replying to you has absolutely nothing to do with anything that you shared with me in your last message
Unfortunately, I’ve been wrestling with my mental and physical health and as a result, I’ve fallen extremely behind.
Please know that I’ll touch base with you as soon as possible with a much more considered response in relation to what you’ve shared with me
In the meantime, please know that I’m still thinking of you and sending you some very gentle and caring hugs at such a difficult time
Take care of yourself,
ShiningStar
You never have to explain yourself @ShiningStar , I don't take anything personally on here . We all have our own problems, I totally get how much stamina it takes to live with a MI and I take breaks from the Internet all the time. I have always found it quite bizarre and ignorant that the government spends a lot of money on websites like this one, and even more on Beyond Blue to essentially ask other people with MI to support people with MI for free! Hello, it is not easy living with a MI we feel out of our depth at times despite our own diagnosis
I hope that it isn't a too severe or serious flare up of your health conditions . It took me a few nervous breakdowns to learn the hard way that you have to take action early because recovery can be so long and slow if you don't. I hope that you have supports not too far away and can connect in with them.
Day light savings starts this weekend so you may be able to sit in the sun for a little longer if the weather is nice. I can't believe we will be out of lockdown in Sydney in less than 10 days, it feels like we have done a marathon. Take it gently getting back out into crowded areas @ShiningStar but it will be lovely to be able to walk in places more than a 5km radius.
Take breaks from the Internet every now and then, it is healthy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=de6uTMEiZf0
Corny
(P.S - I tried to out do you with the hearts, I am competitive that way)
Oh thank you @Anastasia you are very sweet.
Yes I am going along as expected for bereavement and grief, up and down, days when it doesn't feel real, but days when it feels very real. And I am experiencing what a lot of people experience, facing my own mortality, death, and the reality that everyone I have ever loved will die and I don't know in what order..... so I do have anxiety, but am trying to come to some level of acceptance to make the most of the time I have left.
I find myself in tears for Mum's life probably more than her death. I wish she'd never met my father, and it breaks my heart reading old letters from her old boyfriends. I promise myself even more now that I will never settle, in terms of if I am faced with a choice of sharing my life with someone & they bring me down instead of lifting me up - nup, not doing it. I don't want Mum's and ours suffering with that monster be for nothing. I would be happier alone, with family and friends that love me for real. I've attracted a lot of users and takers in the past, and can see a lot clearer how my childhood and upbringing has contributed to that. Therapy has really helped me not make the same mistakes, and I am determined not to make them ever again. Life is too short.
I'm not looking forward to sorting out the estate and all those practical things but it has to be done. It is difficult being catapulted back into the family so abruptly when I had been on my own dealing with really heavy and soul destroying realities......my aunt needs support and so does my youngest sib. I have enough energy in my tank to devote myself to them my big-sib & the cubs, but other than that, unfortunately my books are full. I am done. There is only so much giving and giving and giving one person can do, I have been a life long carer and it broke me.
My aunt asked me yesterday to organise a memorial now the restrictions are lifting and people will want us to take them to the cemetery too so that will be before Christmas. I may have to move but I haven't had a definite word yet......I hate moving, but I just have to power on somehow.
I hope that you are well @Anastasia and if you are able and want to could access a vaccine now that restrictions are lifting and you may like to catch up with people face to face. I think that people, well, healthy people, will forget the pandemic very quickly. They've forgotten the bush fires, this will be no different. I guess ignorance really is bliss, take care, big squishy bear hugs, Corny
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