Mental State In Flux/ Relationship Fears

[GlossyHygrocybe]

I'm in a psychiatric ward right now and I am coming off of old medications (that were not good for me) onto new ones (which I am three days into and are already feeling better I hope). I had been misdiagnosed twice and honestly I am exhausted. However, prior to my admittance, I had been volatile towards my partner, my housemates and some friends. Emotionally unstable, paranoid, emotionally abusive towards my partner. I was drinking and kept believing my delusions and I can't believe this is the reality because I love her so much. I would wake up the next day shocked that I could ever have said such horrible things to her. She is one of the best people I know. I am struggling with intense shame. I am struggling with the idea that she might break up with me even though she has insisted she understands why it was happening and I know she can see I am trying my best to get better and I will get better but what if it's not enough and I lose the person I love the most because I couldn't catch this before it spiralled too far. Like I couldn't see what was glaringly obvious, that I was getting sicker and sicker and sicker until I was doing crazy things like [removed by moderator] and feeling absolutely psychotic. I feel so much better now in recovery and it's only been a week. I was misdiagnosed and on the wrong medications. I just fear that I am a rot and everyone will catch on. Or that I will heal but I will heal separate from the person I love very much and dream of building a future with. I have been crying every day. I don't really know why I'm posting here I'm just rambling I just want to feel some semblance of hope but I know that needs to come from me. Can anyone relate to this? Does anyone have any advice for someone like me?

[tyme]

Hey @GlossyHygrocybe ,

I can see how much you love your partner. I can see she is the love of your life and you are feeling much shame because of your actions.

I'm glad to see you are getting help. Hopefully, with the correct diagnosis and medication, you reach a point of stability. 

When things are better, perhaps you can have a chat to your partner and share what's been happening for you and what you'd like to work towards in the future?

I hope you find support for your drinking as it sounds like it plays a part in your behaviour recently.

I wonder if your partner is also open to getting some support for herself. I can see that she does not blame you for anything. 

I encourage you to show her that you mean business. That you DO want to recover, and that you do want to spend your life with her. Show her by your actions. It may take time, but it'll be worth it.

I hear how hard it is right now. Yet you are not alone. 

We are here to support you too.

Please take care.

[GlossyHygrocybe]

Thank you for your reply. I haven't had anything to drink in three weeks and I have a good friend who just reached a year sober so I am going to go to meetings with her. The new medications I am on are specifically targeting what was flying under the radar each time I went and I am starting ADHD medications tomorrow or tuesday hopefully if all goes well. I haven't been in a good way for a long time but I have been slowly healing. Now that I have met someone who is deeply important to me, I feel an urgency and a pressure that I am not sure is helpful but I want to be well. 

[tyme]

In other words, it sounds like she is your protective factor. @GlossyHygrocybe 

That you so desperately know you need to get better if you want to have a future with her.

Protective factors are so important in mental health recovery. I'm so glad you hear you have someone.

What a treasure 🙂

The hospital may also be able to provide links to groups to help with the drinking. 

[MayaBird07]

Hi @GlossyHygrocybe 

Your story does feel familiar. I was hospitalised last year after acting erratically and being emotionally unstable. I wasn't overly kind to those around me as at the time, I genuinely just stopped caring what anyone thought of me. I hurt a lot of people around me and I am still dealing with the fallout 6 months later.  I am also a recovering alcoholic and pill addict.

It sounds like you've got a really supportive partner and good friends which is wonderful. And its great that you are seeking treatment and active in your own recovery. 

I found I held a lot of shame following my hospitalisation, feeling bad and embarrassed about my actions in the months prior, but surrounding myself with people who are kind and understanding, continuing counselling and completing therapy, taking my medication as directed and just taking care of myself again has helped me forgive myself a little for my actions when I was unwell. You are not a rot, you were unwell.

You cannot change what has already happened, but it sounds like you are doing everything you can to help yourself get better. Recovery is a long road, and remember you are just in the early days, allowing yourself to cry and feel these emotions is uncomfortable, but it is all a part of the process. Try to remind yourself that this is a temporary situation and you will start to feel better soon... you have so far survived all your worst days.. you've got this. 

I wish you all the best in your recovery. 🙂 

[Jasper_123]

@GlossyHygrocybe - I'm sorry that you've had such a rough time but what's important now is that you are on the right path and are aware of your actions and behaviours. You can show your partner and your friends who you really are and be accountable and reliable in your own treatment.