How to go on

[D16]

TW: thoughts of suicide.

I am safe now. I'm sorry, I just need to unload some thoughts.

I grew up in a place that doesn't care much about mental health. It's hard asking for help and opening up just made them label me as weak. Life has been hard and I don't really have anyone to emotionally depend on.

Humans scare me. Even when I'm around friends... it's fun interacting with them but after a few hours my head starts to hurt so much that I need to withdraw. And then I feel bad. Because I can't follow their energy and has to charge myself for a whole day afterwards. The only ones I trust are those other voices in my head. Though some of them can be harsh, I know by the end of the day they won't betray me. Because if this body cease to function, so will they.

I've tried to end everything once. I did ask for help from those I consider close before doing it. But in the end nobody was there to help, so I thought that was it. But then I survived. A stranger coincidentally saved me. And so I thought 'maybe there's still a reason for me to live'. So I've been giving my all since then, chasing after my old dream and what not.

I thought things would be fine from then on. But maybe I simply tried to burn myself to the ground 'for a better cause'. I don't care much if I die whenever. Life is still hard but at least I've grown a bit numb to the pain. 

But then it came suddenly a few days ago. I start to actively think that I want to die again. I managed to reason with myself that 'nah, it's such a pain to make a plan'. Deep down I know this solution is only temporary. So before another wave hit me, though I wish there won't be, I just need to write this down. I need to start finding ways to heal. But I don't know where to start. So I write. For now.

Thank you for listening.

[tyme]

Hey @D16 ,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing. It takes a lot of courage to share this and I hear how hard life can be.

Believe it or not, I'm pretty sure you are not alone in feeling this way. 

So much of your post resonated with me. Mental Health was a taboo in my household. We never spoke about it. I wasn't allowed to talk about it in a workplace. I felt I was sentence to die a lonely death.

I have to point out one stark difference though. You mentioned being around friends... well I didn't even have any. 24/7 I had to hear my own voice in my own head.

As hard as it sounds, perhaps it's okay not to feel okay after a while being with people? Maybe it's okay to always have an 'escape' during outings and social events? e.g. I'll see you for a bit, but I have to leave at 2pm. Do you think this will help? 

As with the suicidal ideation, have you ever worked with someone through these thoughts? As much as I have 'recovered', chronic suicidal ideation is part of my condition. I've learnt to live with it, and it doesn't trouble me so much anymore. It's more 'background noise' now.

If you feel you want to talk to someone in real time, you may want to contact:

Lifeline 13 11 14

Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 

If you feel unsafe at anytime, please contact 000.

We are here for you. Please know you are not alone.

[D16]

Thank you for your story and advice @tyme. It's reassuring just to know that I'm not alone

I've tried setting boundary lately, keeping track of how many hours I can interact with people. I used to live alone but need to move to a sharehouse now due to some financial difficulty, and I've told my housemates about that 'social time limit'. They seem to understand so it should be fine.

I guess it's just me. I just can't help feeling bad. Because back then until I was old enough to finally leave my parent's house, disappointment always means pain. Both physically and mentally. So letting people down always scares me. And some old circle of 'friends' I used to have didn't appreciate that kind of boundaries. So when I meet with people who are kind and seem to actually respect that, I become even more scared. 

I guess I'm getting out of topic now. Once again thank you for listening. And I hope you the best in your own journey.

[tyme]

Very true @D16 . I hear your hesitations. 

I get maxed out with social events... i prefer to work than socialise. Socialising just doesn't fit the tabulated day I have in my head. It's like I socialise for a short time and I need a day to recover. Whereas I can work all day and not feel tired at all!

Maybe in life, it's about finding your tribe. I reckon, if you and I lived in a shared house, I'd hardly see you and you'd hardly see me - and that's how I'd like it. No because I don't like people... I just need my time and space.

So put it this way, if this sharehouse arrangement doesn't work, consider it to be ONE sharehouse arrangement that didn't work as opposed to all sharehouses.

I've live on my own for ages now... I love it. People think I get lonely, but I totally don't 🙂

Anyway, you can hang out here on the forums. You can NOT answer whenever you feel like it, then come back to answer when you do feel like it. Don't feel obliged to answer straight away. THis is the beauty of forums. You are in control 🙂

[Asgard]

Hi @D16 

Welcome to the Forums, so much of what you and @tyme resonated with me.  Having read both your posts and interactions, I was kinda hesitant to post as i felt you both shared a special connection.  I just wanted to say that you certainly aren't alone in what you have been through and how you feel.  Some of my friends think I am an absolute extrovert, they don't realise that I so amn't.  I can take around 3 hours of interactions, then I scuttle back to my place (oh yes I live alone) to regroup.  Coming here has been really good for me, I can interact on my own terms, spend a lot of time reading peoples stories, half the time I need to google all the various abreviations and diagnoses, but its the community feel I love.  So welcome again......... Asgard

[OM108]

@D16 

I also want to warmly welcome you to the forum. Thank you for sharing from your heart. It really touched me to read your post and to listen to what your heart is saying.

As @Asgard so beautifully said i also feel the connection you share with @tyme here. Very heart warming for me to be part of this conversation.

I think it is very healing for all of us to realise we are not alone. Here we can be together on our own terms and share what matters....and be heard. That doesn't happen often elsewhere as there are so many demands on our time. I have lived a long life and experiences many phases of wanting to end the pain of just being here. Couldn't see the point of it all. Life aint easy, that's for sure. Fortunately I now find myself in a good place and I am focusing on what I love. I love singing with others and being creative. I love getting out of bed early and getting to the beach to watch sunrise. I love walking in nature. I love helping others when I have the capacity...and being alone when I want. I have started to be more honest to myself and others about what feels right for me. Rather than take offence when people say something that triggers a reaction...i sit with it and then ask directly what they mean and if i understood it correctly. Every day I get better at all of this.

It caught my eye when I read that you started "chasing after your old dream and what not"....

I would love to hear what your dreams were/are? Dreams are so important to keep motivation high....having a vision for our life is how we get what we want. 

Equally vital is that personal selfcare, silent time alone and honest boundaries are not forgotten in the rush of enthusiasm and service to others....

[Katz42]

Hey @D16, I am glad that you are here writing about how you feel rather than internalising all that hard to cope with stuff, all by yourself. I find that sometimes just writing about those intense and overwhelming emotions, helps me to get perspective and I also feel exhausted, no energy physical or brain, to think about suicide. Another bonus of this forum, is that you can blurt out what you need to, and there's a really good chance that someone else can relate and will validate your feelings. Validation is a big thing for me, so I thought that maybe it might be a thing for other people too. I am so happy that that stranger saved you. I know that you probably wish sometimes that you hadn't been saved, but how could I be glad to be writing to you now, if you hadn't been. I am sad for you too that things feel that bad. I should have not made it from three suicide attempts, and for whatever reason I survived and I like to believe that there is a good reason for that. Right now my life isn't how I wish it was, but I know that I have been suprised about things that I would have missed out on, because I didn't anticipate what could be around the corner. 

I wish that the answers were easy and that healing didn't take so long and so much hard work. BUT the moments that I feel a little joy, and the possibility of more and more of those moments, make me glad that I wasn't successful. I hope that you can hold on to a memory of something nice to help get you through the bad times. Take care 🙂

[tyme]

Awesome post @Katz42 ! Thanks for sharing!

@D16 , I believe @Katz42 post above was for you. Hope you get to read it!

[Tilz]

Hi @D16  how are you now? that's true that there should have reason to live but may be you will get a reason in future. Because we are not filled with that. It takes time to give us a reason. So the best is to wait for a reason , You will get soon . Till that keep writing . we wait for you..

[D16]

Hi @Asgard @OM108 @Katz42 @tyme @Tilz

Thank you for all your kind words... I just went to my parents house for the past month. Fortunately I managed to get by, much to my own surprise. I did feel like my head start hurting again on the last few days though I'm glad I managed to leave without anything bad happening.

In regards to my dream, I actually have two: one to finally leave my country and two to create story that can move people heart. Those two that I am slowly forging toward once again as I finally get the funding to attend a film school here in Australia.

I made a short animated film and now developing a game retelling my trauma, in hope that it can heal myself and maybe help other people. I've met with people filled with kindness and support that it almost felt like a dream. But maybe because it felt like a dream, as I'm reaching the end, I don't want to wake up. I guess I got desperate. I don't want to return to that painful place. I finally feel happy and I don't want to let go. But of course it was foolish to hope that everything will stay the same.

I'm trying to keep a better outlook for now, trying to find ways so I could keep pursuing my dream and hopefully stay here in this place where I can finally feel like I'm home. 

Thank you again. And I hope all of you the best in your own journey.