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Hi @Former-Member
We are all entitled to have a grizzle from time to time - you are going through a tough patch and you're allowed - I might join in for a bit
Cause it's cold and bleak in Melbourne and my back is giving me a hard time and there's anniversaries and birthdays - so yeah - I will join in with a grizzle -
And I know from time that going through a slump is temporary - and no one can fall off the floor - I hear you sis and we promised each other we would go through this together
Maybe you are getting a cold - I take Vit c when I feel like that and it seems to work - and you said you have let the self-care go a bit - it's really important to keep going with the self-care
I know what your are thinking about too - I'm not - but many years ago I had a really bad time - it does get easier. I know your Mum's birthday is next week too - my Mother's is tomorrow - could we have the same or similar feelings about these dates?
Perhaps we do - I'm with you lapses
Dec
Thinking of you
My SAD / Blackdog is under control, kinda, only two waves of painful dark thoughts - like a splash on the rocks really that went as quick as it came - thank God. My stomach has had an eber so calm feeling today like i've finally eaten a meal my body has been longing for, weird. Having a lot of Vit-C atm so that might be correcting something. I've not made it to chch or bible study for a few weeks. The pastoral care guy tried to ring while i had dad at the dentist 😞 plus i had to cancel my psych apt & cortisone injection for him - such is my life atm. Makin up for it tomorrow though. Tell ya about that later. ❤❤❤
HIYA WINTER BLUESIES
I'm plodding, don't believe much in 'happy' anymore but i do have inner joy and peace that peeks through often enough to make life worth living. If that makes sense.
Right now, though wide awake 4am - my mind is clear (for me). The shoulder bursitis has a bearable throb - more so after yesterdays 5ml cortisone injection - might have to grab the heatpack presently. Had to get up & pee x3 in 6hrs o/n so 'sleep' was 'iffy' (night before i slept through first time in ages - might be diet but just con't put figure). I can hear dads tv going quietly in the background, and the dogs are snoring beside me (only because its so cold outside lol). Things could be worse.
I have Psychology apt today, dont know what to talk about and she clearly doesnt remember much about our former apts, so dont know why i'm going - probably just end up babbling on about surface issues again and not deal with much anyway. That seems to be the way of the 50min sessions for me mostly, probably because i'm lonely... But then again - with the hostile siblings declaring me 'a horrible person' (they should talk), even 'paranoid delusional... its helpful (given my underlying MI 😞), to have the "qualified" backup of a psychologist who supports my being 'carer' for my dad.
Yep, i have had 2 Major Depressive Episodes / Breakdowns - resulting in x2 huge hospital admissions & years of recovery, with little to no support, especially my 'family' 💔
So maybe psychologists have a purpose on that less vulnerable level. Maybe its too long (chronic) FOR OLDER ME, to do much about all the unresolved issues of the past... according to them, but they are resurfacing ATM in droves having been displaced back to the home of my childhood (with mum dying & dads dementia etc) - not easy memories or circumstances. Go fifure. Actually, most my memories here are so sad, and even frightening, i wish it was different.
They say we can't change the past - but hey, i'm doing my darntest (is that a word), my best to change the negative spiritual footprints here. Create better ones, more Catm (if that makes sense), more in practical ways
Not that i know better but i sure know the difference between conflict & peace and for my two youngest brothers (damaged by it all, and drugs) i think it will help them at least (they both have Sz paranoid psychosis - addicted to dope - always broke - one is in remission atm, kinda - when not arguing... the other - a foil cave under attack by high tech lazorbeams set up by Gov funded bikie gangs to silence him... its complicated poor dear, a barrier to relationships as he gets so angry we 'don't believe him' 😞 (even when we don't say). Actually, had a bit of a win with Bro3 yesterday, he gambled away his 5k (mum left each of us) within 2month and avoided asking me for help all this time 👍 (unlike bro4's fortnightly scrounging) but yesterday he sent a callout for $150. So, I have an old laptop of his still in qld (he repairs computers a bit and lent it to me last year - its CD player never worked...), anyway, he never mentions it so i offered to buy it off him for the $150 which he was overjoyed with. I dont need a broken 2nd laptop, and maybe he will spend it on drugs (not food as he says - even though its his payweek), but its a dignified mutual resolve of the laptop issue thats been bugging me, & nice to see him happy for a minute.
I wont be here forever and want to leave it easier for them, not harder. Eventually Bro2 and little Sis will appreciate that i was here for them ALL at this horrible family time. Lucky for US - i happen to be available (as insignificant as it seems to some).
Haha, kinda have a quiet joke with myself saying "someones gotta be the grownup here!" lol
Thanks for reading, just need to talk i guess. And its almost Dawn so time for morning cuppa 😁
@Former-Member. @Maggie @Owlunar @outlander
