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Hi @BlueBay , was hoping that you might be feeling a bit better today, but, it doesn't sound like it. Fingers crossed you can talk things through with your psychologist and feel better about things. Hope your walk is pleasant and helps you get a little peace. I really don't think everything is your fault. Life is rarely so black and white and clear cut as that. Theres a lot of people in your household and life that are factors in how your feeling.
None of us are in your shoes or have been through what you have. All we can do is try and support and be understanding and maybe come up with some suggestions. At the end of the day it's up to you on how to move forward and progress. I know that the solutions I am given aren't all that practical for Me, I can't implement them as easily as people seem to think. If I could I would.
None of us are perfect or even close to it.
It seems you are very hard on yourself. You have accomplished a lot and should try and keep some perspective if you can. I know it can be diffucult. Maybe try and grab some extra sleep today, certainly don't let it add up as it can really take a toll.
You are so resilient, honest, kind and beautiful BB. Your family should be a lot more appreciative of the gem they have.
Please take care and know that a lot of people here care about you so much. 
Morning @BlueBay I have been off here for over a month as had holiday, then moving to 4 bedroom house finally but then had trouble setting up NBN here. So I final,y managed to come back a few days ago.
I am so sorry you are having a hard time, as you know I also have BPD among others but have found my BPD is the hardest one to live with and it's a horrible thing to have most people don't understand it. No matter how many times I tell my family about it they don't get it, and we struggle with it every day.
I am so glad you get to see you psych tomorrow and hopefully they wiĺl admit you. Try and be a bit kinder to yourself and never apologize for it, I used to have 8 people in my house about 3 months ago for over 6 months and my son and his girlfriend hardly ever gave me money, and it was hell, it wore me down and ST were always there and ended up in hospital. There's just me and my 2 sons now, but I still feel lonely and for the first time ever have made some friends through my church and they help me when I'm starting to run down and talking on here, where we al, have different symptoms but are great support for us all, we don't judge and try and help when things get bad. Sometimes I think I'm stupid and get really angry with myself when things get worse, but we aren't, BlueBay, I've learned to just take one minute at a time and try not to worry about tomorrow, finances and similar things, it's very hard and at night when I go to bed I put on mediation from bible plans if you believe or there are many others that you could try, my mind still won't shut up a lot but I still try one day it's bound to help.
Remember you can talk to us any time we understand how hard life can be, the one thing I remember is that we are al, friends here and try and help and encourage each other, like you I keep trying for my son and you have your ayla, if we keep remembering them it helps a little bit each day. You are a very caring, and have a lovely sole and we are here for you. No matter how hard people tell us that there here for us, we hear it but our minds aren't really registering it, these things try and help but I know when you're struggling with it, we feel very alone and want to give up.
Let your psych know your just not coping and if there a good one hopefully they wiĺl. Get you the help straight away wether it be in hospital or have a team come to your house everyday and talk about things and help you around your house. I know some states don't have the home help, so I hope if you don't go to hospital they have The other service for you as they helped me when I really needed extra.
You are a lovely friend and do not want to lose you BlueBay, I am praying for You and sending healing angels to surround you.
L
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