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[Fun]

Hi,

I've been struggling with this thought for a long time, wanted to see what others think...

I always get to the idea that we have a purpose in life, and if we don't find that purpose, then life in all of its form is worthless. I come from the idea that since we are here on earth, there has to be some meaning or purpose behind it. This idea goes in a long loop, I don't want to expand too much, but because of the above, I feel so worthless, life truly is horrible and not the place for me to live. I feel like life will never be ok if I don't find any meaning behind it.

I've been struggling so much for years. Attempted suicide...I'm trying to accept therapy and think things might get better. But honestly I have this side of me that doesn't trust therapy and I'm never going to be ok.

I'm really hesitant about therapy because I'm paying so much but I'm also very desperate for some good in this world.

How can I truly believe that I can be better? And not believe that you're a complete waste of air? Is it possible? Or is it that my purpose, is to not live in this world?

[Mustang67]

Hi @Fun , I totally get where you are coming from. I have attached a link to my story which also talks about no future to look forward to.

https://saneforums.org/t5/Looking-after-ourselves/Progress/m-p/1540923/highlight/true#M109399 

In 2020 when I moved out south to the other side of Adelaide, I had to go through the rigmarole of finding a new doctor and therapist. I had seen several over the years before the move, and felt the same as you. That it wasn't helping. 

I got a mental health care plan done through my doctor to see a new psychologist. But with this one, I had to find $120 upfront per visit, and then I would get a portion refunded from Medicare. But being unable to work because of my mental illness, coming up with that sort of money was difficult. When I was out north, didn't pay anything for my therapy. 

I ended up going through a long cycle of depression. And because I kept cancelling my appointments. She dumped me.

So I went back to the doctor for another referral and requested am organisation which had no gap to pay.

And finally after 21 years of on & off therapy, I was referred to a service that not only had a therapist that "got me", they linked me to other support services. And all at no charge. 

So basically what I am saying is,  if you feel the therapy isn't helping, try another therapist. 

We had a very rough start, as a few months after starting, I attempted suicide, but they were with me all the way. And referred me to Anglicare Suicide Prevention people who came to my cabin every week for a couple of months. 

So please don't give up, and keep searching until you find something that resonates with you. I also find workshop very helpful. But if you want to read my long story, I explain all that in there.

Sending you a virtual hug 🫂 

Kindest regards 🌹🌼

[MJG017]

Hi @Fun, I totally understand your doubts about therapy, I've tried it for the first time this past year and haven't found it very helpful.  I'm told I need to find a therapist that I 'click' with, but eith the high costs, I can't afford to keep trying new ones to maybe find the right one so I'm just frustrated with it all.

The idea of a purpose in life is an interesting one.  I have feelings of feeling worthless as well.  I was born to parents who were having an affair and was quietly given up for adoption.  I was then given to parents who were emotionally distant and so I never really felt close to them and so I grew up never being able to find that closeness to anyone.  It took me to my early 40s to finally find it.

So I never really had a feeling of a purpose in life.  We're born, we get maybe 70 or 80 trips around a sun that has been there for about 4 5 billion years.  Ive always seen it as a gift.  My biological mother could have chosen to have an abortion I guess, but adoption was preferred back in the late 60s and 70s... lucky for me I guess   So i've always seen my 'purpose' as just enjoying this opportunity I have gotten.  Has that been a success?  No, its been a constant struggle, but i've always been grateful for the opportunity to experience the struggle.

Then 2 years ago I found out I had some serious health issues to add to the struggle and found that actually talking to people going through similar struggles helped me a lot, even if I was just giving them advice or listening to their experiences.  Its given me a bit of a new found purpose I guess to want to help people by sharing my own experiences and struggles.  I have no idea what to do with this desire, support groups and online forums will do for now I guess.  Its all a work in progress, and maybe that is a purpose in itself.... keep trying new things, find things we enjoy or find fulfilling.  Sometimes just not giving up is a massive achievement... no one has a right to make us feel like a success or failure.  We all have different struggles and advantages and disadvantages in life.  Not to mention different challenges and difficulties. 

So keep trying to find some sense of fulfillment.  If its just sitting outside on a nice day staring up at the clouds then so be it.  Our purpose should just be whatever we manage to make out of this opportunity we've all been given.  What is it... almost 8 billion people on earth?... that's a hell of a lot of purposes if we're all supposed to have one!

[Fun]

Thank you,

I'll have a look at it.

I just feel very disconnected from life. I'm not a part of it and I don't want to be. Taking a decision to end it was not based purely on mental illness reason. It was a decision I made.

Anyways, I'm here now and I'm not sure how to continue...

[Fun]

Thank you for sharing

[rav3n]

hey @Fun sounds like a lot of mixed feelings! reconnecting with life/others can maybe feel overwhelming, but just know that there's no rush and you can take it one tiny step at a time. 

something like going on a walk around the neighborhood and just people watching, sitting in the grass, watching a sunset, watching tv shows where i relate to the character, etc - these are small things that help me reconnect. is there any that you think you'd like to try or some that have worked for you in the past?

the important thing is that you are here, and that matters so much 💙

where life takes you from here, is up to you, you can choose the pace - those small 'wins' like getting out of bed, getting dressed, stepping outside the house, etc., mean a great deal.

[Jynx]

Hey @Fun.... for me, and a few of my mates who have also struggled with suicidal ideation , it really helped to focus on the little things. Tiny moments of joy - like the taste of your fav dessert, or enjoying the colours of a sunset, or the cool relief of jumping into the ocean on a hot day.... just really slowing down and trying to focus on taking baby steps forward.

For one of my friends, she told me the story of how she was so keen to end her life... but she said to herself, "If there's just one thing I can find that I like about this world, then I'll stay...." And then she pictured how much she LOVES marshmallows... and stuck around! She's now studying, engaged to be wed, and has a job she loves.

Sometimes we gotta focus small, before we can think about the big stuff. I hope you can find your tiny joys my friend 😊💜

[Ravencroft]

Hi @Fun

As a woman in her sixties  who has lived a very isolated life with mental illness, my advise to you is don't ask yourself that question as you'll just go round and round in circles.  It can also make you feel worse about yourself - well it did for me when I was younger and asking myself the same question.

We are bombarded by stories of "extraordinary people" doing "extraordinary things" but the rest of us blebs will never achieve that.

Many times when I just wanted to exit this world (and have tried unsuccessfully a few times) a complete stranger has smiled at me which made me feel human, as most people avoid me.  You just have to read through some of the posts on this forum to see how people with their own struggles reach out to support others, even if it's just sending out hugs or checking in on someone who has had a particularly bad day or night.

I suspect many of us will not find relief from the mental health services and like you, most of us can't afford help even if we wanted it.  I don't know what the answer is to this growing problem.

You sound to me like an empathic person so maybe you could just find purpose in simpe "random acts of kindness" and even just clicking on the SANE support button will mean alot to someone else who is feeling alone in their struggles.

Take care.

Warmest regards

@Ravencroft

[Fun]

Thanks for that .

I'll try slowing down

[DM74]

I'm new to this forum but joined because I feel unsupported and unlovable. I know that isn't true because I have a friend coming to spend time with me tomorrow but still can't help how I feel today. I technically know I'm a good person but some validation would probably go a long way. Feeling very disappointed that no-one has checked in with me despite attempting suicide on Wednesday.

You're worth it, you can do this, I have faith in you x