Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[EllowAster]

Im worried I cant push myself to get out of here. I love my mum i know i cant expect her to change, ive been trying hard not to fall into the cycle of irrelevant arguments and resentment. I get it, we've had no space. im nearly 27 have struggled with majot depression and anxiety for over 10 years now, and shes an extrovert who thrives on attention (to each their own) but at some point. too late(?) i realised she had not a srop of respect or empathy left for me.  Was it the 3rd, or the 4th time she called me every curse under the sun; or the 5th time she said she hated me. When she said shes hated me for years and laughed on my face? While im sitting there sobbing..

I plead with her these days- to try stay on track or just walk away. But ill make a cross expressìon because she suddenly said something that got to me and thats all it takes. The other day within 24 hours she told me she wished she had aborted me and that she has my best interests at heart. I feel sick physically. Ive never had a dad, so i probably have abandonedment issues lmao

I let it go and try to move on but thats whats got me here. Im empty inside and have no fire left in me and ive read the studies and know where its going but dont see where im going !!i gotta get outa here its killing my soul!!  to pull that energy from.Dark thoughts are unavoidable , i hate myself so deeply sometimes, when i have no where to go and my throat blocks up when i think about calling my brother because being a burden on him is something i refuse to do. Hes the only person i got left. 

This i ..forgot what i was getting at. Sorry if this is wrong topic,  at the moment. due to the  co-enmeshtangldependence and my mums moods (complex trauma being discussed but borderline last she she told me) im hanging on to my emotion regulation by a thread. (I pay my own bills rent ect too btw. But this is just a bemt at this point..so cringy )

One more judgement crtiique or outright demand and illl.. illl.. probably just try go to sleep sigh.

[Friendlyflutter]

Hi @EllowAster 

Thank you so much for sharing that story with us, I am really sorry that you had to go through so much. 

it seems you have a good relationship with your brother and he is important to you.  

I have sent you an email as well, have a look at that. 

We are here with you

[kar]

Dear EllowAster,

I’m so sorry for the situation you find yourself in. On one hand you are struggling with an emotionally abusive relationship with your mum, on the other it sounds like you’re dealing with debilitating major depression and anxiety.

It’s hard giving advice not understanding your financial situation and whether you have any formal or informal supports but my guess is you are feeling trapped.

There is one thing I can say with absolute certainty, and that is you are in a very toxic dynamic, and the verbal abuse you experience keeps one foot on your back to keep you down.

I appreciate the complexity of your mum’s mental health, however it is never a free pass to destroy those around you. 

If I were you, I would slowly start building even just a little bit of strength to take small steps forward with the ultimate goal to remove yourself from the abusive home you sadly find yourself in. 

If you don’t have any family or friend supports, you will need to establish some formal supports, find a good gp and they can help you navigate this tricky terrain. I think counselling will benefit you greatly. I know all this may seem like a monumental task when you are dealing with major depression, but even taking slow tiny steps will help.

Only when you have removed yourself from the abusive home will you be able to start ‘healing’ at least somewhat, hopefully to a point where you can at least function on a daily basis.

As for your mum, I can’t imagine the conflicting feelings you must have toward her, but your focus from here needs to be entirely on yourself. Love her from a safe distance, keep the peace. I believe you can succeed, I really do.

Sending you all the love in this world ❤️

[QueenCornelia]

Hi @EllowAster I am so sorry this is happening to you. I think the time has come to distance yourself from your abusive mother. She has her problems, sure, but she is abusing you & that is never ok. 
Are you living with your mother? Am not sure, you are paying your own rent & bills, which is great, but do you need alternative accommodation? 
Either way, you need distance between you & her. Please try to talk to your brother, he obviously matters to you, & get a good empathetic GP, & also a counsellor. You matter, you are important, you are wonderful & your mother is the one missing out.