Re: Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel ... - Page 18

NikNik · ‎08-02-2016

Happy Monday to all!

Thanks to @Former-Member @PeppiPatty @Shaz51 @Janna for responding to last week's post.

This week's post:

I have been a single mother for 4 years. My son has been unwell for the past 2 years. He's starting to manage his mental illness, but I still play a big role in his recovery. Lately I have been starting to attend more social events and have started a new relationship (my first in a long time). But I can't help but feel carer/mummy guilt. My son still struggles at times, and here I am all happy and experiencing a life outside of the home.

How do manage that guilt of being happy, when the person you care for is struggling?

Shaz51 · ‎09-02-2016

Hello , welcome to the forum ,

How old is your son ??

your new relationship , what doe he think about your involvment with your son ?? is he willing to be part of your and your son`s life ??

there is so many questions that needs to be answered ??

How do you feel ??

NikNik · ‎15-02-2016

Happy Monday everyone!

Thanks @Shaz51 for your response last week. Just to let you know, it's unlikely the person who asked the question will respond to people's responses, as they wanted to remain anonymous. So sometimes we may not have all the information based on the question they send through, but we have to make-do with what information we have. All responses are very valuable though, and the more responses, the better. So never under value your perspective.

This week's question:

I'm so confused as to what to do next. My partner has just been diagnosed with bipolar, which was somewhat of a relief for both of us - it helps us understand that there is an underlying cause to what has been going on for the past 12 months.

My automatic response was to jump into action - who do we see, what do we have to do, who is the best dr to see etc. Though there seems to be too many options!

When I had cancer (I'm fine now) there was this very clear path of action we took when I was diagnosed - specialist, treatment plan, doing treatment, recovery. It wasn't smooth sailing, but there was a clear pathway.

I'm not finding this with my partner. I have been doing a lot of reading and have found that different medications work for different people, different therapies works for different people... I just don't know where to start.

Any tips?

Shaz51 · ‎15-02-2016

Hello, I know exactly know what you are going though ,

I have been doing a lot of reading and have found that different medications work for different people, different therapies works for different people..

Yes , it is a lot of trail and error , ittakes time to find the right medication , the right dose and it depends of what mental health team you get

But as a unpaid carer and wife , I am finding comunication is the most important thing

write things down -- feelings , what you partner says is important , write down questions to ask , don`t be affraid to ask , and to tell them what your partner is going through and you too as a carer

Fiona · ‎15-02-2016

Hi, I was diagnosised about 20 yrs ago. The first thing you must do is public or private care? Public in my opinion is not good different psych every time but private can be expensive. They will work out the meds. Take care xx

Shaz51 · ‎15-02-2016

The first thing you must do is public or private care? Public in my opinion is not good different psych every time but private can be expensive. They will work out the meds. Take care xx

This is soo true @Fiona,--we are in the public system , and it is hard i must say because you get someone new all the time

NikNik · ‎22-02-2016

Happy Monday Everyone!

Thanks to @Fiona and @Shaz51 for responding to last week's question.

This week's question is:

My husband goes through periods of being well and unwell. Most of the time it's unpredictable as to when he will become unwell and how long he will be unwell for.

When he is unwell, he becomes a hermit and doesn't leave the house. He mostly just talks to me and keeps to himself. I have to cancel all social commitments we have made and make up an excuse. I'm sure our friends are realising we are lying though... but I don't think they have a clue my husband is unwell.

I never want to tell my husband this, because he feels bad enough as it is, but I feel so embarrassed when I have to cover for him and cancel. I can't force my husband to come along and I feel worse going alone and having to explain to everyone why he isn't there - so I just don't go either. I feel so isolated in my experience with no one to talk to and I feel like we're losing our friends.

How have others managed this?

Shaz51 · ‎22-02-2016

Hello , welcome to the forum ,

I know totally what you mean , i go through this all the time , my husband has depression and anxiety , I have done what you have done , I find christmas time is the worse .

we have lost contact with a lot of friends over this , you are not alone .

I find with comminication ( not telling them everything ) that you find who your real friends are , the ones who understand at the last minute when you cancel because my husband has change his mind or he is unwell .

it takes patience and time to see which social event is most important -- family or friends invitations

Janna · ‎22-02-2016

When my son became ill with depression and social anxiety he stopped attending school. I began making excuses for his absences - to both the school and his friends. After this happened repeatedly, and for prolonged periods, I found that I was unable to continue lying about the true nature of what was going on. I told the school and told the parents of his friends exactly what was happening. Their response was the opposite of what I expected. The school jumped in to offer support and approached his absences with empathy and concern and his friends and their parents were very supportive in any way they could be. The same bridge had to be crossed when I chose to openly disclose the domestic violence that I was experiencing and I again found supportive reactions - far removed from what I had imagined.

My advice would be to be truthful about what is happening, however you will need your husband's consent to do this as it is ultimately his personal problem. I think both you and your husband would be very suprised with the support that your friends will give you. If your husband is not keen or amenable to this you might just like to advise your friends that he is "not well" rather than have to create untruths. Mental illness, particularly depression, are commonly accepted by most people these days. You may even find that they have their own stories and experiences to share with you.

As a worthwhile exercise it may be useful to ask yourself (and/or your husband if appropriate) exactly what it is that prevents you from telling them the truth. Fear of judgement and all the perceived consequences of disclosure are worth exploring - do you fear rejection from your friends? etc, etc. Ask yourself this question .... if a friend told you that her husband was suffering with depression and that they were unable to attend an event, how would you reply or what would you say? Then ask why you think they would answer or respond differently.

Mental illness is part of life. It is a bold but essential step to disclose this to people so that awareness is increased and the stigma surrounding it is decreased. Disclosure of his mental illness will allow people to fully understand what is going on in your life and take away the need for you to hide his/your experience. It also opens the door to allow others to share similar experiences and ultimately aids you as a carer because you will feel supported and not as isolated. In many ways it also aids recovery for the individual that is suffering because it reduces the stigma and increases their support network as well.

Remember that you have full control over exactly how much information you want to share at all times. Just last week I was purchasing a pair of runners for my son without him and by using the innersole of another runner. The girl serving me asked what sort of sports he was into and I replied "None". She asked what physical activity he was engaged in e.g walking, hiking, etc. She was merely trying to find the best fit for purpose runner. I responded by saying that he did not engage in any activity because he suffers with depression. She immediately replied by telling me that she also had suffered with a terrible depression herself for several years and then went on talk sympathetically about it and how her parents tried everything, etc. Rewind 4 years ago I wouldn't have dared mention this to anyone.

I hope this helps answer your question.

Take care

Janna ❤️