not feeling good

[saturnzoon]

Your Welcome @BlueBay , in the back of my mind I feel the same, not wanting to be like this for the rest of my life and that's what I struggle with and it just got harder when my daughter left to live in Newcastle, one of my sons now live the other side in the south so loosing that attachment is a big thing with BPD, and a bad trigger for me every day I struggle with it, I've applied for the NDIS and hoping I get it so that I can start seeing a psychologist as we only get 6 weeks under the health care plan, that I can see al the time and my kids don't understand why it affects me so much. The kids were my life, I still had trouble when they were home but I didn't know how much it affects us when they leave, it is a shock, cause I thought well my life is over cause there what I was living for and was my life, but now I don't know what my life purpose is anymore and I still don't, sometimes I think that this isn't real and like I'm in a dream., I message my daughter every week but cannot talk to her on the phone cause everytime I try I just start crying even now just writing this I'm crying. I just don't know what I'm suppose to be doing, it's like I'm in a rollercoaster it's always up and down, everyday one minute ill be ok and then the next for no reason I'm down and crying and that's where I have to think a bout Jacob who's only 12 that he still needs me,so I try and remember if I'm not here he would have no one and then I go into his room and ask for a cuddle and he can tel now when im feeling low and will give me a cuddle, maybe that's something you could try BlueBay or if you have a pet,cuddle them it does help for a while, but I think my life will always be like this as well, I have no partner, just my 4 kids, I know there is something out there for us we just have to have faith and hopefully find it one day, and most importantly talk to those around us that understand what where going through, I have to believe that we can do it one day,and just take one minute at a time until we do.

[Shaz51]

Hugs my sister @BlueBay 

Your day off and everyone is home ---- ohh been there my darling 

Today I am in bed for the day feeling yuk 

Sitting with you xx 

[Owlunar]

Hi @BlueBay 

You are being so honest here - it's easier to see your situation when you are honest and I think I understand more about your situation at them moment than I really thought about yesterday - I get it

You have two major personal issues - there is your  BPD which is a tough deal - I know that part of your brain tells you that it's all your fault - that you stuff up - you are not strong enough - and this is really hard because of your black and white thinking - the world doesn't work that way

As hard as anyone tries it is impossible for anything good or anything bad to be all one person's fault - 

And then the other part of your situation is the decisions that are being made and here's the bit I really understand - you find it really hard to say "No" when people are making decisions around you and you are asked to comply - I guess that's what's happening with your D's partner moving in - and this is not a good thing and I can tell you why

For months now you have been saying how hard things are for you - that you need time to yourself - that it's really hard to manage with so many people around in your house - even today on your day off - there are too many people - and I hear you.

And you need hospital - for whatever reason - just having time out is a good one - that was my reason for a long time - I needed to regroup - it's a honest reason and one that will help - to have time out

But in the meantime you need time-out in your own home - and having another person there isn't reasonable and he needs to move on. I don't know why he needs to move in or wants to move in - I can guess - but whatever the reason nothing is more important that your mental health right now 

You made a choice to do the extra hours at work - and if you can you need to stick to that - and seeing as you need more hours working completing this exercise will put you into a better position to have more hours where you work now - if you fall into a heap and don't manage to complete the next  week or two then that will be less of an option - so that's really important - right?

Throug the dark years of my life - even since - because I am in the habit of sticking up for myself - learned the hard way - I made decisions that other people hated - they really gave me a hard time - in the earlier years they had a lot to do with my son - and boy - I do know what it's like to stand your ground and state that something is not happening.

It's your home and you are the sticky tape holding the whole thing together and it's obvious that you are really battlling with the situation - it's not working financially, spatially, personally, emotionally - and I can only imagine what took place

It's okay here to express SI - I have lived through that with another person and know that when person gets to that point they are in a serious position and I am listening - your D's partner is a big boy now and working - he can find a place to live and when he does then your D and A will move out  I assume - perhaps they are in a hurry to get back together again - but let him be a man and sort it out without encroaching on your space

Okay - I am not part of the deal but I told you I would be honest and I am not going away again - I promise that as far as any reasonable person can - but to do that I have to say what I really think - I am committed to caring about you and I can see how near the edge you are

If you choose to continue with this plan that I think has been forced upon you then I will still be here - not judging - just saying what's in my heart and mind and because of my own experience

Being assertive is not letting people push you around - it means sticking up for your rights - it means knowing your rights - and in your own home you have the right to say who lives there and who visits - 

If things work out in a reasonable and adult way then they will move into their own place with A - this needs to happen - I know how much you will miss her - you have had these months with her enriching your life but they all need to move on and yes - it will be sad for you

But it's a far better thing that this works out for them to live independently as a little family and see if it does work out.

I do care - I really do - and it's your BPD that causes your thoughts to get scattered - but as a mature person you can gather the pieces and insist that the partner moves out - your health is more important

Care heaps

Dec

[BlueBay]

Hugs to you too @saturnzoon  ❤️

@Shaz51  hope you feel better soon ❤️

[BlueBay]

Hi @Owlunar   

To be really honest with you I thought snd sort of knew I would be disappointing you. I was scared that you would “tell me off” 

thsnks for your honesty. What you’re saying is right. My d partner needs to find a house. That’s what I hoping thst in the next month they will be in their own place. Yes I’ll miss Ayla but they need to move. It’s time for them to hsve their own space and same for us. 

I get so damn angry because of my BPD. I get angry eith everything. 

I feel I’m not strong to have control. 

I do appreciate and value our friendship so much. I have told you so much that not even my mum knows any of this stuff. 

I value your comments. Sometimes I get a bit scared that you’ll not talk to me anymore. I know it’s my BPD. And I get so emotional thinking if that. It’s bad I know to be so attached. 

I’m tired snd have pain in pit of my stomach. Think I’ll try to sleep. 

[Owlunar]

@BlueBay 

I would never tell you off - I am disappointed that your life is in such a muddle but not disappointed in you - I understand that things get on top of you and people take advantage of you - and your family is doing this to you now

I do understand that having BPD is like having your own personal thundercloud following you around and you don't have much control over that - I don't know enough about he disorder to know if it will ever go away but I know this much

By resisting your urges it will get less - that would be in the future but you can start now - and I won't be disappointed if the partner stays but I will be sorry - I think I know why the young people want this but they can wait - for your sake - he has to leave - I am seriously worried about you.

I am not going away again - I know what it did to you when I did and I had to say the things I am saying now - I don't think you were ready then - I know I say things that can be hard to hear - and now I write to you from a place of terrible shadows in my own life where I learned to speak out - learned to insist - knew I could only make changes for myself - and when I did - I was sooooooo unpopular but I reached a stage where that didn't matter. What other people said and did ceased to be my problem - I did my best for my son and now I am so glad I stuck with him through all of that - I understand now that BPD is a condition that makes it impossible to control oneself at times - he didn't live long enough to learn that he was suffering from the resutls of his choices

But you have - you can make it across that space now because you know it gives you a hard time with your perception of yourself that is faulty - you are strong enough - you can make those choices - you made the choice to take the extra hours at work which might give you the chance to have more hours and how great it would be if you didn't have to sell your house - which is an expensive business anyway - not stuff it up now - that is self-sabotage - 

Here's what I see - you have come a huge distance in the last couple of weeks and it has cost you a lot - people at home haven't made it easy for you - bitchiness and grouchiness and helplessness - cause you do it all - I know - I have been there myself

I didn't get my Honours Degree by letting anyone bludge on me. I had to be hard-headed and single-minded and aw - my mother - she would be telling me to get a job and help my husband one week and then to stay home and look after my family the next and I had two jobs and just kept on doing them - so I do know how hard it is to carry out our decisions

So right now I can see possible disaster letting the partner stay with you - because I have read and I understand - the last few weeks have been a terrible drain on you. I want to support your choice to do this - and I saw it was going to be hard in the beginning - I hope you can get into hospital quickly when the times comes and really glad  you are seeing your psychologist tomorrow and hope she can help you to get your wheels back on fast - for the next couple of weeks anyway

So 

Focus

Get the boy out - surely he has somewhere else to go - it's not your problem

Keep working - you have some great things possible doing that - everyone goes to work when the feel crappy sometimes - yeah - I have

And work toward getting yourself into hospital - you are right - it's your decision - you know how you feel better than your doctor

And there is no need to worry about other people being angry - I wouldn't be - I would guess your medical team would not be - no one is here - 

Your mother and your husband - yes - they will because they can actively control you by emotional pressure but the rest of us - no - we don't need to

All the best and feel okay about attachments with friends - we all need someone

Dec

[BlueBay]

Teary morning 😢😢😢

[Gazza75]

What's happening @BlueBay ?  I'm around if you want to talk or vent. 

[BlueBay]

I don’t feel well tiday @Gazza75 

i think everything is catching up. 

I’m seeing my psychologist at 12. Maybe I’m so anxious about that. I just want to get in there and cry away. 

Im going fir a walk with my daughter. It’s sunny but only 5 deg. 

Hiw are you doing? Sorry always forget to ask you. Xx

[Meowmy]

@BlueBay hope you will feel better soon.