Lived Experience Forum

[Jynx]

@D1ng0 hey friend, first off just wanna commend you on being able to recognise what's happening for you, what this pattern/urge is about, and to be so open about it here with us. Might not feel like it, but to me that is bravery. 

I can really relate to what you're talking about here too. I have experienced a lot of suicide and self-harm ideation in the past myself, and that thought process of like... 'what will it take for people to see how much I'm hurting' was a big part of it. I will tell you now that it is not selfish at all to want the people in our lives to perk up a bit and say 'hey, you seem to be struggling, what can I do to support you right now?'

We are social creatures, we're biologically wired to connect, and to be excluded, ignored, or otherwise left to our own devices is traumatising. It is not selfish to want your needs for connection to be met.

I think that a lot of cis people really cannot grasp the experience of what it's like to feel so unsafe in a room full of people when they're making transphobic/homophobic comments like that. I dunno about you, but for me it's sometimes enough to kick start my internalised shame about my identity - something I've worked really hard to overcome. 

Do you have any go-to coping skills that help you to manage self-harm urges? 

[D1ng0]

Thanks @Jynx for responding to me. It means a lot. I'm thankful for you, and for this forum. I can't remember properly discussing this ever before. Turns out living with chronic pain is way harder than I ever appreciated in the past.

Thank you for the reassurance about it not being selfish to need support. I'm still struggling to resist that feeling but it's good to hear someone else talk sense.

TW: Unhealthy coping mechanisms, alcohol use disorder, bulimia.

Content/trigger warning

I don't have any coping skills, aside from trying to ignore the thoughts and distract myself. In the past I have used alcohol and food to handle thoughts like this, but I'm sober now and trying really hard to eat in a more moderate way. I haven't figured out how to cope without alcohol, harmful over-eating, or harmful fasting. I don't know how to deal with these thoughts without substances.

Obviously everyone is different, but can you recommend any coping mechanisms? How do other people often cope with thoughts about harm or suicide?

[Jynx]

@D1ng0 yeah chronic pain is definitely one that very few people can truly understand, or appreciate just how much it impacts every single day. 

You're very welcome friend, sometimes we can logcially know something but then our brain might be screaming something else, so having that external reassurance can go a long way 💜

I am super impressed by how much work you have already put in towards reducing those unhealthy ways of coping. My psych and I were chatting about this stuff recently and she gave me some language that might also help you - naming them as 'external sources of regulation'. Our bodies are just a series of interacting systems that are constantly striving for homeostasis - and being dysregulated is an interruption to that, which means we will seek out ways to return to our baseline. When we haven't got enough internal regulation going on (often through no fault of our own! For me it was simply that my parents didn't know how to regulate their own emotions, and thus never taught me how, and instead I was left to find my own ways to cope... often unhealthily), we might become more and more desperate, and thus turn to things like alcohol or food. 

So the reason I'm yammering on about it is that for me, changing the language helped me to approach it differently. Instead of it being shaming language (like me telling myself I feel broken and need something to numb the pain) I can think of it in terms of a more scientific/systemic approach. "Oh I am feeling very agitated, and feel like I need something to help me regulate - agitation means high energy, so exercise could help."

Then we can start writing up a list of things that we have found helpful or that we could try. 

Here's some examples, you can of course tailor this to suit your needs and capacity!

External regulators:

• Cup of tea
• Shower
• Crunch ice in teeth (stimulates pain receptors, releasing dopamine)
• Call a friend
• Chat to people on forums
• Call support service/helpline
• Engage in distracting activity - e.g. watch tv or play a game
• Do something creative - get messy with some art, colour in, even cooking can be a creative outlet

Internal regulators:

• Breathwork (round breathing, slow breathing, meditation)
• Exercising/stretching/movement
• Scream therapy (legit, screaming into a pillow is actually good for us)
• Singing (stimulates the vagus nerve, which is the main component of our parasympathetic nervous system)
• Mindfulness (a million diff ways to approach, for me the best way is to become a passive participant in my own mental space, i.e. I am not my thoughts I am simply observing them and letting them be as they are, without judgement)
• DBT Skills - link 1 and link 2
• Urge Surfing - link 1 and link 2

I hope these ideas are helpful to get you started. Like any skill, some do need us to practice them at least semi-regularly for them to become properly effective. It can be frustrating, because at times, the unhealthy options that we've used in the past might work more quickly or feel more accessible, but over time the more we practice using the other coping skills the more habitual and easy to implement they become. If you've got thoughts or further questions please do share! 

[D1ng0]

Morning @Jynx, sorry I didn't respond last night, I was exhausted and fell asleep way early. Thanks so much for writing this supportive response, and for your email. I'm having a think about these suggestions.

[Healandlove]

@D1ng0 , I just wanted to stop by and say hello. If you like reading you could try this app called Fable where you can interact with other book lovers. So far everyone is very polite and there's no nastiness.  You can have your own lists there for books you want to read and you can share these or keep them private. You don't have to use your real name or post a photo or anything. There are public book clubs you can join there and comment on the books you are reading.  Perhaps this will help distract you and give you another tool to use to lift your spirits. You can also read book reviews of other readers and they will often highlight any triggers so it helps make the decision of whether you want to read that book or not. Reading has been helping me in my journey of depression and being a support person for my husband with cptsd. 

Sending you hugs 🫂 and love.

You are not alone in this journey. 

Please hang on. We are here for you ❤️. 

[D1ng0]

Hey @Healandlove, thank you for your support, and the suggestion of Fable. I really appreciate your kind words. I hope you're doing okay today, as well.