Lived Experience Forum

[Bow]

To be desperate for something but not being able to give in and let my body have what it needs…… it’s an absolutely horrible feeling. Sheer desperation 😩😩😩😩😩😩😩

[Jynx]

@Bow here with you hun. I'm a little worried, would it help if I checked in via email? 💜

[Bow]

Maybe @Jynx  if ya think it’s worth it

[Bow]

Busy day. 
bloods done this morning with support worker and then a cuppa together. That was hard, both things. 

appointment with psychologist. It had been 4 weeks. We caught up, then talked about some fears around the up coming schema therapy group im gonna attend. Realised a few things, but won’t go into details. 

journaling group after that. That felt hard today. A lot of sharing that I didn’t really wanna do. 

then home to wait for my gp to call. Funny (or not) I sat and wrote about how I would be surprised if my bloods were ok. And that’s the exact thing that happened. Gp that it was good. That things are heading in the right direction. I know I’ve talked about this before, but I hate hearing all that. It’s really invalidating. It’s the complete opposite to what is currently going on inside. The raging war…. Storm… the battle. It makes me angry. Mad. I’m fuming. She asked me how I was. If I was safe. How my mental health was. I just said all fine. All ok. All lies. 
@Jynx 

[Jynx]

@Bow hey hun, been such a big day. I'm legit proud of you for getting through it all 😊

I am sorry that the call from the gp felt so invalidating. I think we've spoken before about the fact that it seems that no matter the results, you end up feeling crappy after getting them. Or more, there's these two sides of you in conflict, and in either case, one of them ends up unhappy about the results. 

Just a point of curiosity - is your GP someone you would usually trust/feel safe enough with to express if you're feeling unsafe? Do you think that the feelings of shut down/invalidation from the results meant that you couldn't feel vulnerable and tell the truth about how your mh is? Cos maybe those ought to be separate phone calls in the future. Like if getting bloods back is gonna be triggering no matter what, maybe by keeping it to its own appts, it will mean that a) you might be more regulated and better able to be open about safety and such, and b) that if you know an appt is purely to talk about bloods, you can literally just focus on getting through it and have some self-care in place to utilise after? Food for thought. 

How is your evening unfolding? Your D been keeping you on your toes of late? 

[Bow]

thanks

Yeah @Jynx  someone is always gonna be cranky with whatever blood results I get. It is that internal conflicts…. 

Nah my gp isn’t generally someone I feel safe expressing my mh too much with. She tends to overact most of the time so I am very mindful of what I say in that regard. 
I’ve had her call me for bloods or something and then call me back cause she forgot to check in with me in regards to my mh. She is a very good and thorough gp. She genuinely cares and will always squeeze me in if I need to see her. She I am very lucky. But yeah…. I think I feel safer and more comfortable with my SW. We use the sliding scale when things are bad. But complete honest when things are at the end is not ..

yeah. School holidays. But she isn’t too bad. She’s good at keeping herself occupied. It’s the constant need for food that gets to me. And technology. 

but not much on tonight. Probably gonna do some Lego. Then bed. 

how are you? How’s your day been? 

[Jynx]

@Bow ahh fair enough. I'm glad that she is a good support in what she does. 

I'm not sure what you mean by, "But complete honest when things are at the end is not .."? 

Aye I imagine the food part of it gets tricky. And it's so hard w technology. I'm glad she's been good though and not driving you up the wall haha. 

Aww yay lego! Managed to get a system going for the castle chaos? 

[Bow]

Yeah sorry was kinda going somewhere with that… but didn’t really know what words to use in the end and also thought it was probably not appropriate to say, might of got in trouble @Jynx  sorry. 

Her constant food is very tricky. She also picks up on some of my bad habits and questions me about it. 😩😩

just 12 containers of Lego. Divided into certain shapes and sizes. Takes much longer. 

evening has turned to shit though 😩😩

[Bow]

@Jynx  think you have left… think your finish time has changed..

[Bow]

Yeah no I’m not ok