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Something’s not right

PocketRocket88
Senior Contributor

Still stuck in the negative train

TW: Thoughts, Ideations, Urges and safety risk

 

 

Firstly, I wanted to thank the person who took the necessary step in keeping me safe the other day by calling the emergency services for me when I can't do it myself.

 

I honestly don't know where else to get help from... My local hospital seemed to not take the necessary step to help me out with my problem... Whenever I present to their ED they just do all the ED stuff and then just discharges me even when I still pose a risk to myself... I even verbalise to them directly that I am not safe to go home... I feel so rejected and defeated right now... I'm actually afraid to go home nowadays coz of how strong my ideations and urges are lately... Plus how vivid these ideations are... I have community mental health support but I just feel that I'm not supported enough or for them my problem is not as bad as I feel or imagine it to be...

 

I feel like I'm going more mental and that I'm making all these things up... The only way I sort off have to  keep myself safe is by either forcing myself to sleep as soon as I get home or if I'm just at home OR I have to keep busy with work (which depends on how much shift they'd give me)... I am trying to take on a new hobby which is bejewelling a portrait of a rose that I bought in Big W the other day... I can only do so much, so what do I do when I ran out of options to distract myself? Or what do I do when I'm so stuck in my head that I can't stop myself from going thru the plan which btw is always in play it's just a matter of trying to put it off every waking day...

 

Please if anyone has any ideas I'm all ears coz right now I got nowhere to go and am running out of options and probably running out of time as well...

14 REPLIES 14

Re: Still stuck in the negative train

Hi @PocketRocket88

 

Thanks for posting. I've sent you an email 🙂

 

NiteKat (mod)

Re: Still stuck in the negative train

Hi @PocketRocket88 , I'm sorry you feel stuck in that incredibly dark place 😞

 

I've been there...I was intensely suicidal for 3 years and pretty much stayed in bed for that time. I couldn't even reply to people's text messages. I've also been suicidal on and off all my life, except for the last 14 years. 

 


@PocketRocket88 wrote:

The only way I sort off have to  keep myself safe is by either forcing myself to sleep as soon as I get home or if I'm just at home OR I have to keep busy with work (which depends on how much shift they'd give me)... I am trying to take on a new hobby which is bejewelling a portrait of a rose that I bought in Big W the other day...


 

Well done for these strategies 👍 and for putting off your suicide plan each day, I know how tough that is and I'm proud of you. (I hope that is OK to say)

 

I'm afraid I've forgotten whether you have meds to help your situation...I think you have a psychologist?

 

My strategies were like yours, sleep and distraction...sometimes I sat on my hands so they couldn't do an attempt...

 

Sending wishes for hope and strength for you, @PocketRocket88 ...

Re: Still stuck in the negative train

@PocketRocket88 I understand. My strategies are when I get home from work I have a hot shower, that's like a sensory relaxing thing. Then I make a snack for afternoon tea, like toast and tea or something. This usually helps me stabilise because usually I'm so stressed at work that I don't eat properly. After this I try to spend some time with my dog or cat, cause looking at their faces and playing with them is one of the only times at the moment I forget about being suicidal. After this lately I've been trying to read a book or watch a movie until it's time for night time tablets and bed. Last night this routine didn't workout so well. But sometimes it helps. 

 

Just know you aren't alone 

 

Christheart

Re: Still stuck in the negative train

Really sorry your stuck in this horrible place @PocketRocket88 where your not heard and taken seriously when presenting to ED. Are you specifically saying that you are not safe and need to stay? Sometimes we need to be more specific with our words and what we need- I’ve learnt that the hard way recently. 
You said you have community mh support- can you speak with them? Ask for an admission? Perhaps a med change if your on meds and they aren’t helping. Surely they will help? I know if I was to tell my community mh workers I was not safe they would take me in. 

wishinh you well @PocketRocket88 

🎀

Re: Still stuck in the negative train

I really appreciate everyone’s suggestions…

 

I ended up in hospital on Saturday and was in PECC Unit from Sunday late Arvo til Monday late Arvo.

 

Emergency services was called by Beyond Blue on that Saturday night. Cops arrived and took me to hospital in their paddy wagon (don’t know if that’s legal). Was sat in a recliner chair in the ambos/triage area all night. Spoke to MH early Sunday morning after which the sections been lifted. When I woke up the next day, the medical doctors did an ecg and asked how am I, so I told her about my fear of going home (safety risk) and so she spoke to MH that morning and have asked for me to be reassessed.which they did, told them how bad my urge and ideations are and that if I go home I will definitely do something bad to myself. They have listened to me (FINALLY!) and took the necessary step to keep me safe for the night… when I was assessed by the psychiatrist (whom I always see when I’m there), MH has finally done a care plan that involves getting admitted if necessary… 

 

it took this long for them to rectify the care plan to a much acceptable plan… I now know that if I need help, I can confidently go to my local hospital and know that they’ll definitely try their best to help and support me…

 

I just need my meds to be reviewed by my community mental Health team…

 

the ideations are constantly there but I am currently distracting myself with work studies and other sorts… again I don’t know how long I can do this but I just have to push on I guess

Re: Still stuck in the negative train

@PocketRocket88 

I asked to go in the back of a paddy wagon with my son, once, but the police would not let me ... Hmmm.  That part is probably not best health care, but may have been seen as "necessary" if you were seen as uncontrollable at the time.  Not sure. 

Really Glad you finally feel heard at the hospital and they are getting some supports in place for YOU.

Distracting yourself with work, studies and other sorts ... sounds like you are doing an incredible amount of life stuff.  I hope it gradually edges you into a better place generally in your life.

Take Care mate ...

Apple

Re: Still stuck in the negative train

Just as I thought things are heading for the good, something bad happens...

 

I got kicked out of my Dialectical Behavioural therapy group coz I wasn't able to attend yesterday as I was in hospital... 

 

I worked and waited long for me to get into that group and now I finally got in, I just wasted it, For what? I am so disappointed with myself for not caring enough or not giving it my all... 

 

I don't know why life is like this, it gives you something good just to be let down with the bad almost immediately...

 

This is the very reason why I believe my ideations are true and real about life... It's cunning and super hard that I couldn't cope with its ups and downs...

 

So anyone know what I can do to move past this in a safe manner coz right now those SH urges are up there right now.. I tried the 'telling myself that it's not my fault and it's probably not the time for me to do the dBT group's and it's not helping at all...

 

Re: Still stuck in the negative train

 

Hey there @PocketRocket88 

 

I'm so sorry you've had this setback. You've shown such strength and resilience in advocating for yourself to get the support you need so my hope is that you can remind yourself of that and be proud of this. 

 

As for the group, I'm wondering if you could perhaps seek the assistance of your support worker to approach the group and ask if you can again take part. They may be able to help advocate for you. What do you think? 

 

Hugs

Hanami 💮

Re: Still stuck in the negative train

Hi @PocketRocket88

I'm really sorry to read that you are feeling this way.  I totally agree with @hanami - you have shown so much strength and resilience and you should be really proud of this. 

I understand why you are upset about being kicked out of my Dialectical Behavioural therapy group, that would be really frustrating. Would you be able to speak to the DBT leader and explain that you weren't able to attend as you were in hospital? Maybe if they understand why you didn't attend they would be more understanding and let you rejoin?

I really do wish you all the best and hope these really difficult feelings pass for you very soon. I hope you know you have many people that are sincerely concerned for you and care about you on the forums and we really are sitting alongside and wishing you all the best so please don't think you're alone.

Best wishes,

FloatingFeather

 

 

 

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