not feeling good

[saturnzoon]

@BlueBay  the same thing happened to me with my brother when i was little but did not know until a couple of years ago when he tried to do something in his room, when my son and i was holidaying at mum's,  and i said what the hell is wrong with you and I froze and had to get out of there, my mind just couldn't accept it, but then he said, it's ok we did things when we were little and then that through me, I couldn't grasp what he was saying and everything around me just stopped, it was like everything was frozen, I had no idea what to do, I have no idea how I got out of that room, I only remember being outside at the backyard.

I always have a battle going on whether I should tell my mother, but i haven't, I think that it must of been partly my fault even though I still have no memory of it when i was little.  and no idea how I could tell her anyway as she is in her 70's now, I'm afraid it could hurt her or worse not believe me and his wife we use to get along fine, but since it happened I haven't spoken to her 

Most of the time i don't even remember it now, its only when i ring mum as she lives in  Sydney and I can hear him in the background, he has a wife and 2 kids that live with mum and I have told my mum that I can never go see her there ever again cause my brother can be abusive mentally and I'm scared of him.I have never told my adult kids either.

I never remember my dreams and was told a long time ago it's my mind protecting traumatic events in my life.

I'm glad you called Life line, i do that quite often, when sometimes traumatic events come to the surface and have also found Beyond Blue has helped as well.

I'm going to doctors on Monday to get a health plan done so i can see a psychologist and hopefully they will help and I will keep you in my prayers 

[saturnzoon]

Content/trigger warning

@BlueBay  the same thing happened to me with my brother when i was little but did not know until a couple of years ago when he tried to do something in his room, when my son and i was holidaying at mum's,  and i said what the hell is wrong with you and I froze and had to get out of there, my mind just couldn't accept it, but then he said, it's ok we did things when we were little and then that through me, I couldn't grasp what he was saying and everything around me just stopped, it was like everything was frozen, I had no idea what to do, I have no idea how I got out of that room, I only remember being outside at the backyard.

I always have a battle going on whether I should tell my mother, but i haven't, I think that it must of been partly my fault even though I still have no memory of it when i was little.  and no idea how I could tell her anyway as she is in her 70's now, I'm afraid it could hurt her or worse not believe me and his wife we use to get along fine, but since it happened I haven't spoken to her 

Most of the time i don't even remember it now, its only when i ring mum as she lives in  Sydney and I can hear him in the background, he has a wife and 2 kids that live with mum and I have told my mum that I can never go see her there ever again cause my brother can be abusive mentally and I'm scared of him.I have never told my adult kids either.

I never remember my dreams and was told a long time ago it's my mind protecting traumatic events in my life.

I'm glad you called Life line, i do that quite often, when sometimes traumatic events come to the surface and have also found Beyond Blue has helped as well.

I'm going to doctors on Monday to get a health plan done so i can see a psychologist and hopefully they will help and I will keep you in my prayers 

[BlueBay]

Oh @saturnzoon  i am so sorry what you went through as a child and even now. 

I totally understand and feel for you. Sending you huge hugs 

I’m really not sure what to say or do if my mum asks me about my brother. So anxious just thinking  about it. 

My mum is in her late 70’s and I don’t know what to do. 

Lifeline we’re really good. I had a nice lady. She listened to me and was very gentle and caring. 

I don’t normally remember my dreams but last nights was terrible. 

Good luck with Monday’s appt. 

[BlueBay]

Thankyou @Former-Member @Shaz51  

Truly Thankyou for your support. ❤️❤️

I hope I don’t have anymore nightmares. I’m anxious to go to bed and sleep tonight. 

[Meowmy]

@BlueBay So sorry you feel so bad. Hope it will lift soon. Take care.

[BlueBay]

Thanks @Meowmy 

just talked to lifeline again 

I’m not good. I’m scared to go to sleep tonight. 

[BlueBay]

Having trouble going to sleep 

My anxiety is high tonight 

if my mum asks me about my brother I’m thinking I will tell her. 

And if it means i have a breakdown and end in hospital well that’s what will happen 

I can’t hide it anymore 

I’m scared of the consequences 

but everyone needs to know what he’s done 

so when she comes to talk to me - if she asks I will tell her 

but I don’t know what to say 

what if she says I’m lying 

I can’t go on 

I’m so tired emotional angry 

I’m wanting to escape this pain 

the memories 

this abuse is going to haunt me forever 

[Owlunar]

@Meowmy @saturnzoon @Shaz51 @Former-Member 

Hi @BlueBay 

Everyone has given some good suggestions here I don't need to repeat them except to add a couple of thoughts of my own

Has  your mother indicated that she wants to talk to you again? If she does and does ask about your brother - then tell her the truth - I am in my 70s and could certainly stand that if someone asked me about my brother - and I never told anyone about him either except I told my daughter that he is not a nice man and that was all I was telling her.

But if she doesn't ask then my suggestion is that the time has passed - I have found bringing up the past unasked was a mine-field - eg - people gladly thought the worst of me in spite of my natural honesty - the past doesn't change - people might but the ground itself might still be shaky.

You want justice - you deserve justice - and for you it has never been served and unlikely to be - unless your mother really wants to know - the tell her without emotion - 

"Yes - he did assault me - and that can't be changed but it's still terrifying me" 

You will survive this - you have a history or of survival - and yes - I know - you don't feel as if you can - neither can anyone in the middle of a tropical cyclone - 

About the dream - our brains are set up in such a way that most of the time we can't move to react to the dangers of a nightmare - except I have fallen out of bed a couple of times rolling away from whatever it was. More than I can remember I have be stuck and frozen wherever I was and couldn't scream or move or even open my eyes though I could see what was in front of me - this late in life I still have this happen now and again.

This is our brain protecting us

I know it's really horrible BlueBay and I know however much you want to run away from this you can't. I found this myself - no matter how far I went or how fast I ran the truth was still the truth and I was still myself wherever I went

But taking a few days to yourself is okay - if you plan and tell people - why not do that with the money you have saved already? 

It seems to me and maybe your dream could tell you - the circumstances of your life right now seem impossible to alter or get away from - but you can take a couple of days somewhere - with the purpose of regenerating - not escaping

Care heaps

Dec

[BlueBay]

Hi @Owlunar 

I’m home alone st the moment and it’s heaven 😊

hubby out to sons place to help him with furniture 

other son at wirk 

my daughter out with her partner and A asleep. 

Hoyse is do wuiet is beautiful 

i think I’m getting scared fir the “what if mum asks me”

if she asks me why I don’t talk to my brother. I will say to her “I’m not talking to him because he hurt me as a child and I’m dealing with it”

i know what she’s like she will want to kniw. But there hasn’t been an appropriate time fir us two to be alone. She won’t want my dad around. 

Anyway I guess there’s really no point in worrying until if it does happen. 

The dream did really upset me and made me very anxious last night. 

But I’m not bad at the moment. 

Are you feeling better? a few people down my way have been sick with the flu already. My doctor said he’s had a few patients already. 

Im trying to knit a beanie for A but it’s difficult cause while I knit A wants me to hold her play with her or read her a book. But that’s grandkids I love her. 

[Owlunar]

Hi @BlueBay 

You are sounding better today - you have some time alone which is what we all need - 

About your mother and your memories of your brother - you certainly don't have to talk to him - and I don't talk to my brother - btw - remember - he didn't assault me but he might have done if he was the bigger, stronger, older person during our teens - 

But that's the right thing to say to your mother if she asks - she knows he is a creep - he has upset your father terribly - I remember when the shit hit the fan ages ago you could talk about it - rightly - but it was your brother causing anguish for your parents

I really hear you - 

And you are right - there is not point in worrying until it happens - but be prepared too - having what you want to say firmly in your mind can only help.

I am not sure now that I had a cold - maybe it was a virus that has been around up here for a while but it's more likely I am allergic to my new shampoo - good advertising - I thought it might just work for me - and my hair feels wonderful after using it but I had a snuffly nose and croaky throat - plus a rash - none of it severe - I'm not using the shampoo again

Grandchidren - yes - they are lovely - and as Granny (Nonna) you can play with her and read to her and be the fun one in the family - she doesn't have to learn you need time to do the chores. Enjoy her - the time goes so fast - >>>>>>>>>>>>>!!!!!

And mine is in her mid-twenties - how fast those years went - I was texting with her a couple of nights back and thinking about my trip to see her in June I think. She lives in a lovely place - 

My grand-daughter and I get along well - they are special when they are little and that lasts

Love it

Dec